I’m going to give you a heads up – this post is one of my most personal ones to date. This one is right from the pages of my journal so here goes…
Yesterday something really interesting happened while I was meditating at my boyfriends place. I found that I totally allowed myself to become absorbed by the meditation. It made me wonder what had been holding me back all the times I have been meditating over the past year. My best try at explaining the feeling is this: it’s like I am on edge and have to “protect myself” while meditating. This on edge feeling isn’t particular to meditating; it’s practically constant. I cannot fully allow myself to become absorbed by meditating because what if … what if while I’m sitting by the water I’m disturbing someone by taking up too much room on the bench…what if someone needs to grab my attention… what if someone storms in my room and criticizes me while my defences are down. It feels as though I am constantly trying to defend myself from being emotionally attacked.
It so sucks to realize this. I feel like I’m about to open a dam that will never be able to close again. My dam blocked out the tears. My dam blocked out the emotions.
Also, it’s important to mention that yesterday I was meditating in a new space. Normally I find it hard to meditate with someone else in the room but he actually allows me to be myself and feel. It’s like I’m ok. – every time I read that I choke up. It’s such a powerful, strong need of mine that has been unmet for so long. I’m not doing anything wrong. He makes me feel safe.
I’m also finding that while I’m in his apartment I have this worried feeling like I’m doing something wrong or being annoying. I have briefly talked about this in my blog post “how to explain rejection sensitivity dysphoria”. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. It’s like I have a lifetime of being told that I’m annoying; to stop tapping, to stop breathing so loud, to stop chewing so loud, to stop being “hurricane Alyssa” and leaving my stuff all over the place. That shit adds up. It’s like I’m not allowed to take up space; I’m not allowed to just be…
Being in this apartment and working here I am catching myself thinking “wait- you’re okay with me taking up space?! It’s okay if I sit here!? It’s okay if my bag is here?!” Man, it’s exhausting. And I’m catching myself actively trying not to take up space which is exactly what I don’t want to do!
Okay, Alyssa…
It’s okay to feel.
It’s okay to take up space.
You’re going to feel emotionally safe one day. It’s just going to take time.
AND you’re going to practice taking up space.
I swear I have the feeling capacity of about 10 people.
Anyways, I wish that you all can’t relate to this but unfortunately I’m sure that you can. Find the people who love you for who you are! Take up space my friends <3
p.s. On a lighter note I just launched my new website! You can check it out here: https://www.coachalyssashaw.com/
I can relate a lot to constantly feeling on guard that I’m taking up too much space. I think that is a big part of what holds me back in social situations.