I have had anxiety my whole life and was also treated for it. Now that I have recognized depression in myself, I can also say that I have experienced that too. I throw the word anxiety around like I would with any other word. Why is the word “depression” so terrible. The reaction that I get if I say depression out loud is as if I have struck them across the face. They are SO taken aback.
My hunch is that people do not understand depression. I definitely don’t. This year was the first time that depression wrapped itself around me like a big, dark, heavy, unwelcome blanket. I had two days in a row where I was crying hysterically for NO REASON. Now it is a little comical, but at the time it was insanely scary and I honestly felt a little bit insane.
Depression feels like your body goes:
1. Commencing Override
2. Shutdown complete
3. Initiating release mechanism
4. And cry and cry and cry and cry
I have to admit that, for me, this only lasts for a day or two. Sometimes even an afternoon. While I am in that moment, I do not feel good at all but I let it happen. I feel like this is super important. The more I try and hide it, the worse I feel. And, lets face it, I feel so so so much better after a good cry! Unfortunately, sometimes crying gives me a migraine (literally) but it is so worth it because the release that I get from crying is like heaven.
**I have spoken to a therapist about depression and she says that I do not clinically have it. This is so confusing to me and if I don’t have depression then I feel so terrible for those who do. I can’t imagine what it feels like if when I am “down” it feels like I am depressed. I am so sorry if I offend someone who does in fact have depression if I don’t. Like I said, I am very confused.
I am super lucky because I do not have to go through this alone. My dad arrived home and saw the state that I was in and esentially took me for a walk. This was so necessary, I just couldn’t do it alone. When I arrived home I took a bath since when I am depressed it feels like the hulk is squeezing all of my muscles. After a bath I usually feel a bit better and go to sleep or watch netflix to zone out.
It is so important to try and find someone who knows how to help you in this situation. And also, to talk about it with them and what you need from them before you get into the “depressive state”. I cannot emphasise enough how helpful it is to have someone there with you. Even if it is to just sit with you in silence while you sob.